The future, Conan?
Stunning predictions of things to come in the very very near future from Late Night
with Conan O'Brien. I'm sure NBC has copyright to all of these, but I thought I'd share
them anyway, in the spirit of the millennium. And besides, NBC is the Conan Network! Uh... anyway. Let's look into the future, far, far into the future... all the way to the year 2000!
In The Year 2000...
Kathie Lee Gifford will undergo a religous conversion, and annoy the world with her annual Ramadan special.
Colgate will come out with a new toothpaste that not only whitens teeth, but makes them Anglo-Saxon Protestant.
The product "2000 Flushes" will be renamed "A Flush A Year Since Christ Was Born".
It will be revealed that the only reason the mitten was invented was because something cute was needed to rhyme with kitten.
The jack-in-the-box will be replaced by the joe-in-your-face.
The "Lower" will be declared the official lip of the Winter Olympics.
An upset Jesus Christ returns to Earth and appears on The Ricki Lake Show. The topic: "My Dad Dresses Too Sexy".
No longer embarrassed about his religious upbringing, Dr. Pepper will begin using his real name, Dr. Sheldon Weintraub.
A new human emotion named bleem will be recognized. To feel "bleem" is to feel sort of a happy anger.
When encountering an unpleasant odor, people will no longer say PU. Instead, they will say "WX."
When things go very wrong, it will be a medley of peas and carrots that hit the fan.
The musical term "a-one-and-a-two" will be replaced by "wait, wait, wait--okay, now!"
North and South Dakota will merge to form a state called "Oh Man, That's One Big Dakota."
The American educational system will be thrown into chaos when a grown man in Illinois actually uses algebra in everyday life.
Penguins will begin having senior proms but will surprisingly still rent tuxes.
Crayola Crayons will be forced to change the name of its "Burnt Siena" crayon when Dodgers catcher Carlos Siena spontaneously bursts into flames.
Krazy Glue will be replaced by a far more powerful adhesive: "Psychotic Ax-Murderer Glue."
Vegetarianism will fall out of fashion overnight when plants everywhere suddenly figure out how to screan.
The language of the cow is finally deciphered. The word "moo" means "I dare you to slaughter and eat me."
After a horrible accident in India, the Today show promotional stunt "Where in the World is Matt Lauer?" will be changed to "Where in the Tiger's Stool is Matt Lauer?"
Snow White and the seven dwarfs will undergo a metric conversion to Snow White and the 3.8 dwarfs.
Engineers will design a fast, efficient automobile powered solely by the driver's hatred for Kathie Lee Gifford.
Roberto Benigni will lose many of his newfound fans with the release of a sequel to Life is Beautiful called Life is Beautiful 2: Electric Boogaloo.
The Pope will shock the world when he abruptly changes faiths, declaring "I'm a Zeus man now."
Computers will be convinced that it is the year 1900. They will support President McKinley, grow handlebar mustaches, and crack the heads of the filthy Irish.
Singer Meat Loaf will become the spokesman for a company that makes meat loaf. Vanilla Ice will become a spokesman for a company that makes vanilla ice. And MC Hammer will be arrested for stealing a bike.
The public demands that the NBA expand to a 52-week schedule. Not for the love of the game, but to keep Shaquille O'Neal too busy to make movies.
God will schedule a press conference to announce the firing of Jesus and the hiring of Jets coach Bill Parcells.
At the stroke of midnight in the new millennium, actor Ben Affleck will grab the microphone from Dick Clark, look into the camera, and say, "Wake up, America, I'm a dope."
Popular campfire songs will include "Kum Bai Ya," "Old MacDonald," and "We Serve Ja-Mar, Our New Alien Master from the Stars."
Canada and America will be united into one country called "Mexico Sucks."
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